December

I have this love/hate relationship with December.

I love the fact that the year is coming to an end, bringing along a string of holidays with it.. creating more time for gatherings with family and friends..

I love the fact that it sort of provide a reminder for us that the year is coming to an end.. It is the time for us to recollect the moments and memories created throughout the year, and that we have a chance to start all over again in the brand new year..

But December is also a reminder that this was the month that daddy left us, 2 years ago..

It still hurts, needless to say.

Last 28th November was my parents’ wedding anniversary. It would have been their 28th year spent together, should daddy be around to celebrate with her.

Being children, we did not know what was the right thing to do.

The pain we felt as the children is different from what the pain of what my mother is going through.. We’ve cried, broken down, recovered, pulled ourselves together, put up a strong front and continued with life.

But for mummy, she has to face life ahead without her partner, the love of her life. For a woman who has depended on her soulmate, who took care of her for almost three decades – is an extremely challenging task.

Tasks as trivial as buying groceries, driving herself on weekends to the shopping malls, getting fuel at the gas station, bills paying and even cash withdrawal at the ATM seemed so difficult to be done. It’s not because my mum was too lazy to carry out these tasks, it’s because my daddy would not want her to fret over these details and handled all of them, chauffeuring her around while she manages the household and us kids.

“Baby-steps a day at a time, mummy”, was what we would advice her daily. Leave daddy’s wardrobe as it is. There is no need to touch or pack anything.

And when I heard the song from Luther Vandross, ‘Dance with my father’, this paragraph from the song was just so true and real..

“Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how mama would cry for him
I’d pray for her even more than me
I’d pray for her even more than me”

I do. I find myself praying for my mummy more.

I pray for her to be given the strength, alot more than us.

And when I see the circled date in my calender looming close, I decided to book her some flowers and write her a letter, on behalf of my daddy.

I was doubtful if it was the right thing to do. But I was compelled to write that letter for her. It’s a very peculiar feeling, but I could feel my daddy guiding me as I compose this letter to mummy..